Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Do I Miss You?

Sometimes I look back and think..could I have done it differently? Probably yes but I wouldn't be where I am today.

Staying at home and working from home can be pretty..what's the word..suffocating? No. Enclosed? I think enclosed sounds better (even though I know I'm not using the word in the right context). But you get what I mean. So when I have the chance to go out to have lunch or just hang with the family, I tag along. And I would remember how I used to go out with my friends and do the same things..eat, hang etc.

Maybe I should've not acted like a good-girl. Maybe I should've forced my parents to pay for a driver's license. Maybe I should've spent more money with the girls when we hung out. Maybe I shouldn't have quit my degree programme. Maybe..

No. I didn't act like a good-girl, I just didn't see the reason why I should be mean or unhelpful. I didn't force my parents to pay for a driver's license because we only had one car and we couldn't really afford it since the license was (and still is) quite expensive. I didn't spend like a shopaholic because I knew I had to save for more important stuff. I had to quit because it was affecting my health in a bad way and God knows what could've happened if I just went with it til the end.

And the 'Maybes' are probably the reasons why my bestfriends kind of just left. Do I miss them? Yeah, sometimes I do. I think it's inevitable. Because you've created these relationships with these group of people who you eventually cared about and looked up to. Proud to call them your bestfriends. You've gained trust and you bonded so well, you're basically like sisters. Then I think about it for a little while and I actually don't miss them. I appreciate the memories I had with them but I think that phase of my life has long gone. It affected me so much that I got really depressed for months. And I thought depression was just something people made up where they just feel really really sad and just let themselves immerse into the sadness. But when I got really really sad and upset just about everything and especially myself, I knew it wasn't something small. I felt like that every single day, constantly feeling sad, my heart actually felt heavy and I also lost my appetite. That's when I knew I was depressed. Feeling alone and dropping out of university, it really hit me. That's how much it had affected me. It wasn't enough that I told my bestfriends that I wanted to quit the programme, they stopped talking to me too.

No, I don't miss them. Because everything that has happened has shaped the person I am today. Well I mean, I still don't have friends and I'm still not back into uni yet. But I can help my mom with her home business now and I bake cakes too. Whenever she needs help with purchasing and posting stuff, we would go out and do it together. Whenever my boyfriend's around, I get to spend time with him too. And of course, I get to spend time with my family. I also like the fact that I can workout anytime I want. Because my time is so flexible, I can manage my everyday schedule at my own pace. I also learned a lot about people. I've gained so much experience over the years which I probably wouldn't be able to gain in uni or just hanging with people (my bestfriends) in a certain environment.

I don't hate them but I just wish they could've been nicer. Sounds like I'm expecting a lot right? But no. I'm not. I told them nicely that I wanted to quit the programme and hoping they would understand because they were taking the same programme too. I told them about how I feel and my health. I even thought it through about how to tell my parents and how I really didn't want to disappoint them. I also didn't want to give a bad example to my younger siblings. I've thought it all through. But the day after, they completely ignored me. There was one day where I accidentally bumped into them, they saw me, looked away and tried to walk away as fast as possible. I felt really sad. I was even thinking to myself, did I do the wrong thing? Did I actually say something to be upsetting?

But anyways, if I get the chance to be bestfriends again with my uni or high school girls, I'd say no thank you. We've had our time together but I don't think I want to relive those memories. I'd rather make new ones. Meet new people and gain new experience. I'm not going to feel sad again. It hurts.



Ayu

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