Monday, 1 August 2016

Depression

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Basically, I don't know how to start this post because I've been gone for way too long. I said I would post at least once a month but then..yeah.

It got to me a couple of months ago. But it's starting to show bits of pieces of itself again and I don't like it. I've been going through depression. Pfft..how typical. But no, this is not your typical today-I'm-depressed-tomorrow-I'm-gonna-be-okay kind of depression. I actually feel sad day after another.

I'll be honest to you guys. I'm quite fragile. Very fragile actually. I don't take criticism very well because I know I always, always give my very best when I do something. I actually try to do everything right every single time. So when somebody comments on what I'm doing is wrong or what I'm doing is the complete opposite that I was supposed to do, I get upset..really upset.

But it's not just criticisms. It's also me losing confidence in myself. My skin (face to be exact), not having friends and being socially awkward. If you feel like this is going to annoy you, please just stop reading and close this tab because you probably have heard of this a gazillion times before. I'm just trying to put this out into words and hoping I can get better soon (still trying to figure out how). And maybe some of you can relate? I feel like I can get pretty lonely at times and just knowing someone is on the same boat just makes you feel like hey, maybe this person knows how I feel now and would understand.

Anyway, skin. Something that I still have to work on until I save up for a treatment etc. Until then, I just have to work around it with makeup and try to eat as healthy as I can.

Friends. Oh yeah, last night I actually went out with some mates. They're not the kind of friends I talk to each day but it's just a small group of people who just chill together once every six months or so. To be honest with you, I didn't feel like going out last night. I got sick and I knew if I went out last night, it's going to be worse today. I was right. But yeah, I forced myself to go out last night because I thought maybe it would help me feel a little better. Even just a bit. And it did. Just being surrounded by people made me forget about being sad for a while. But that was just one night. We don't do this every night/week. I thought of making friends but I kind of gave up a long time ago. To me it's just tiring and you don't know how people are like behind your back, you know? I'm just afraid really. Made some nice friends and they're gone.

Socially awkward. I've never thought in my entire life that I would be socially awkward. Talking to people is nice and I like random conversations. But nowadays, I find myself really quiet. Sometimes I catch myself reminding in my head to start a conversation so that people wouldn't think I'm being weird or too quiet and not myself. Like I'm fidgeting or something. I'm actually worried people would think that I'm unfriendly or just a snob! But I promise you guys, I'm just awkward. It's so weird I know and I feel stupid that I feel that way.

Have no idea to overcome these at the moment but I remember before typing this post out, I was going to list out things that I actually like to do and try to make something out of it. I'm still unemployed. Still at home helping my mom with the sewing (which is good, don't get me wrong) and baking when there are orders. But I just need more. I want to do more things and make my time worth spending. I've just been feeling pretty shit which just makes me feel like a dying plant.

I have an idea on what to start with but I'm kind of embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me. It's this game that I play but I'm not a pro or anything like that. I just like playing it and of course I've played more than enough to understand and master some champions. I'm just saying I'm not like those pros who play against other great players around the world. But I play this game everyday and imagine if I actually put some extra effort into it and can actually entertain other people. I think that'd be cool and maybe help other players who are new to the game too you know. I don't know, I'm still thinking about it. But I feel like it's going to be fun if I do actually start doing it. We'll see.

But yeah. That was a 'little' update for you guys. I used to be such a fun person, I know I was. But now I'm just really plain and boring. It's not me. And I feel sad. Plus, I'm sick at the moment. It's just a runny nose and sore throat so it's all good. I hope everyone's doing well. So many people getting sick nowadays. Stay safe.

Ayu

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