Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Hobbies?

In dire need of something to do..like soon, very soon.

I'm getting more and more bored each day. And it's not like I don't have anything to do. I have my baking (occasionally), sewing and chores. If I have the extra time, I'll watch some anime. But I realized I haven't been doing anything else than work. Yes, I like baking and sewing. Anime is my chill time, just something to watch. But I don't do anything for fun anymore. I rarely go out, and even when I do, I don't shop. I just don't like to spend money and don't bother when it's not necessary.

I know it's good to have all this work to do and occupy myself. But man, I feel so worn out. I don't feel joy. I actually feel depression is going to hit me again. I feel like I'm going forward with all this work right, but I'm just going in this straight line and it's never ending and I'm not making a pit stop to do something that I actually enjoy, that is actually fun, that is like a HOBBY..because I don't have one.

That's what I need, a hobby. Something that makes me stop worrying about money for a while and just let loose and have fun!

I feel so dull, you know? I feel sad and lifeless. Sometimes I catch myself pausing for a second and my eyes would start getting watery, and then I'd notice, and I'd just swallow it up and continue with what I'm doing. Can't seem to find anything fun to do, that's my problem. More like, I have no hobbies. This made me think what I did for fun at all five, ten years ago. I was still in school, and I had friends. And my time was most spent with my friends, of course. It could be about all the stupid shit we do, the gossips, the hard core deep conversations, everything. And time was spent, and I enjoyed it. I cherished every moment.

Now? Nothing. I don't feel the drive anymore. I'm doing work because I have to. And I keep doing it because I have to. Don't get me wrong, I like baking and sewing. I do. But since they're businesses, I take them seriously. It's not like a one time thing and it's over. It's continuous and I have to keep improving and I have to make sure the end product reaches my expectation. And sometimes I do get stressed out, it's only natural. So yeah, both are things that I like to do but they are work now.

I'm feeling sad now. I should go. Til next post.

Ayu

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Improving Self Confidence

It's still in the process, but I know it's slowly improving.

What's up guys? How's everyone doing? I hope everyone's doing well. Been wanting to write this post for a couple of days now but didn't get to it because I've been busy sewing. And when I have the free time, I'd rather just chill or I just didn't feel like blogging at all. I wouldn't force myself to blog if I don't feel like it because I know it's not going to turn out nice and full like how I imagine it to be.

So yeah, today's post is going to be about confidence. In my previous post, I talked about depression and how I'm lacking in self-confidence etc. So for the past two weeks or so, I tried to do something more or different hoping to improve my mood and to gain self-appreciation again.

It's nothing so much of a difference really but I've put more effort in doing my makeup, believe it or not. Because I spend my day at home ninety percent of the time, there's no need for me to put any makeup on. I'm not going anywhere, no one's going to see me so why bother you know? And when I do go out for just dinner or something, all I put on my face is a moisturizer, some face powder and lip balm. Like I can't be bothered to put on a full face makeup for a short outing.

Not only that, the weather's here has been pretty hot and humid it's insane. Sometimes, I don't bother putting anything on my face I kid you not. If I really need to, like I'm going out during the day and it's hot like crazy. All I'd do is put some SPF and lip balm. At this stage, I can't be bothered to think what others think about me or my face because dude, it's like 100 degrees outside and I'm not going to spend fifteen minutes putting on makeup, and let it melt in the heat. My face is just going to look cakey, oily and smudged. It doesn't help that I sweat a lot and have an oily face. And don't get me started on oxidation. Holy macaroni..no thank you.

But despite all of this (rant), I try to put on makeup when I feel like, "Yeah I can tolerate this heat, it's not as bad," or "Oh we're going to an air-conditioned place, putting some makeup on should be fine,". I try, you know. Because feeling confident is important. I know you've heard this gazillions but it is true. And putting some makeup on helps. Now don't get me wrong, makeup doesn't define beauty. I know someone who barely wears any makeup, maybe just some eyeliner and lip balm. And she doesn't have the prettiest face but she has the best heart. She always smiles and her smiles always look genuine. She's also friendly and very kind-hearted. This kind of person is the best. I would rather be friends with this kind of person than being friends with people who have pretty faces (with or without makeup) but have an absolutely crappy attitude. Like dude, stay away.

Point is, putting some makeup on helps. I never realized it but it gives time to myself to get ready. It's what people call the 'me' time. Just putting some makeup on for fifteen minutes gives me some 'me' time to look nice, presentable and feel good. Just feeling good about yourself really. If it means putting on a whole load of makeup on your face makes you feel good, then do it. If it means putting on some mascara and lipstick makes you feel good, then do it. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. But remember, makeup is not everything. It is temporary. So please don't go out and start feeling so full of yourself. Because that my friend, is pathetic.

But it did help me. I just felt a little better about myself. I forgot about depression for a while and made me think less about how I look because I had makeup on. It's like a temporary distraction you know. So for example if you're going to a job interview, all you have to focus on is presenting yourself to being a viable employee. You don't have to worry about what the interviewers are going to think about your appearance or stare at that huge pimple on your face that's about to pop out. I mean sometimes makeup can't cover everything, but having something on to just filter it a bit helps. This of course differs depending on the situation. Like if you're going to an interview that's all about beauty and cosmetics etc., then I guess you really have to make sure that your face or appearance suits the job position that you're applying for.

Now I'm giving going-for-interviews tips? Uhh, I talk too much. But yeah, you guys got the gist of it. I know there are many other ways to improve your self-confidence but this was just me sharing what helped me a bit and maybe can help some of you gals too.

Talk soon guys.

Ayu

Monday, 1 August 2016

Depression

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Basically, I don't know how to start this post because I've been gone for way too long. I said I would post at least once a month but then..yeah.

It got to me a couple of months ago. But it's starting to show bits of pieces of itself again and I don't like it. I've been going through depression. Pfft..how typical. But no, this is not your typical today-I'm-depressed-tomorrow-I'm-gonna-be-okay kind of depression. I actually feel sad day after another.

I'll be honest to you guys. I'm quite fragile. Very fragile actually. I don't take criticism very well because I know I always, always give my very best when I do something. I actually try to do everything right every single time. So when somebody comments on what I'm doing is wrong or what I'm doing is the complete opposite that I was supposed to do, I get upset..really upset.

But it's not just criticisms. It's also me losing confidence in myself. My skin (face to be exact), not having friends and being socially awkward. If you feel like this is going to annoy you, please just stop reading and close this tab because you probably have heard of this a gazillion times before. I'm just trying to put this out into words and hoping I can get better soon (still trying to figure out how). And maybe some of you can relate? I feel like I can get pretty lonely at times and just knowing someone is on the same boat just makes you feel like hey, maybe this person knows how I feel now and would understand.

Anyway, skin. Something that I still have to work on until I save up for a treatment etc. Until then, I just have to work around it with makeup and try to eat as healthy as I can.

Friends. Oh yeah, last night I actually went out with some mates. They're not the kind of friends I talk to each day but it's just a small group of people who just chill together once every six months or so. To be honest with you, I didn't feel like going out last night. I got sick and I knew if I went out last night, it's going to be worse today. I was right. But yeah, I forced myself to go out last night because I thought maybe it would help me feel a little better. Even just a bit. And it did. Just being surrounded by people made me forget about being sad for a while. But that was just one night. We don't do this every night/week. I thought of making friends but I kind of gave up a long time ago. To me it's just tiring and you don't know how people are like behind your back, you know? I'm just afraid really. Made some nice friends and they're gone.

Socially awkward. I've never thought in my entire life that I would be socially awkward. Talking to people is nice and I like random conversations. But nowadays, I find myself really quiet. Sometimes I catch myself reminding in my head to start a conversation so that people wouldn't think I'm being weird or too quiet and not myself. Like I'm fidgeting or something. I'm actually worried people would think that I'm unfriendly or just a snob! But I promise you guys, I'm just awkward. It's so weird I know and I feel stupid that I feel that way.

Have no idea to overcome these at the moment but I remember before typing this post out, I was going to list out things that I actually like to do and try to make something out of it. I'm still unemployed. Still at home helping my mom with the sewing (which is good, don't get me wrong) and baking when there are orders. But I just need more. I want to do more things and make my time worth spending. I've just been feeling pretty shit which just makes me feel like a dying plant.

I have an idea on what to start with but I'm kind of embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me. It's this game that I play but I'm not a pro or anything like that. I just like playing it and of course I've played more than enough to understand and master some champions. I'm just saying I'm not like those pros who play against other great players around the world. But I play this game everyday and imagine if I actually put some extra effort into it and can actually entertain other people. I think that'd be cool and maybe help other players who are new to the game too you know. I don't know, I'm still thinking about it. But I feel like it's going to be fun if I do actually start doing it. We'll see.

But yeah. That was a 'little' update for you guys. I used to be such a fun person, I know I was. But now I'm just really plain and boring. It's not me. And I feel sad. Plus, I'm sick at the moment. It's just a runny nose and sore throat so it's all good. I hope everyone's doing well. So many people getting sick nowadays. Stay safe.

Ayu