Life without friends..
It's something that I've been struggling for quite some time now, about 2 years I'd say? I may not look like it's affecting me every single day but I know it's always there - buried oh so deep. Only when I feel like I literally have nothing else to do or I'm about to get my period, it hits me. I have no friends.
Yes, I know people and people know me and we talk when we bump into each other but that's it. I don't go out with 'friends' (my own 'girlfriends'). Sometimes I think to myself - maybe I should try reconnect with my primary school girls etc. but wouldn't that be weird? You popping out out of no where. There are a lot of reasons to why it's weird and would just turn out awkward. Like you're not part of this gang/group/clique so why are you suddenly trying to talk and get close to us, you know? That's one of the reasons. You'll just end up looking pathetic. Not that it's something to be humiliated about but you'll just look like a sad person..and you are.
Like why do I even bother? Is it that important to have friends? Is it necessary for you to go out with your girls and spend time with them? I've never thought that I'd come to this point of my life. It's just so sad. When you get older, I realize that it's not easy to keep friends (when they don't want to anymore), let alone make friends.
So you know, sometimes it's hard to stay happy all the time because deep down you're still a little bit sad. A bit jealous when you see girls hanging out on your Instagram feed. A bit worried that you might remain friendless for a long time. A bit mad with the friends you made and left you hanging.
Of course I try to be occupied all the time so I wouldn't have to think about these things. But sometimes I just cant help it. I would be staring at the wall and before I know it, tears start pouring down.
I try to be positive most of the time. It's just there are days when I'm feeling really down.
I honestly do not know how to end this post. Just thought I'd let it out. Pretty sure I'm not the only one going through this. So let's be alone and sad together *sigh*.
Love you guys, Ayu