Friday, 27 November 2015


*Listen to Tokyo Ghoul - Glassy Sky (arranged by Theishter) while reading this. I did. It's such a beautiful piece.*

All the memories.. The things that we've said and done..

No we didn't breakup! - if that was what you were thinking.

I wanted to post something personal so long ago, well not that long. Probably since a few weeks ago. No wait, a month ago. Yup, about a month ago but I didn't get around to it because I didn't know what to say or more like I didn't know how to write about it. What is 'it' really?

Cheesy rolls please.. (Uu that actually sounds better than drum rolls hah). It's my 2ND ANNIVERSARY!! - with my boyfriend of course. So yeah, we're not married yet (if you don't know already). We've been dating for two years+ now. How time flies. I mean to some of you, you might think that two years is actually not that long. But also, maybe less than fifty percent of you think that it's pretty long? I don't know - we're all different. But to me, TO ME, it's pretty long..but it doesn't feel like it. I always remember that it's not how long you've been together with someone - it's how you've spent that time together with someone. (I honestly still didn't know what to talk about when I started typing out this post but now I can feel it overflowing - typical Ayu).

Oh why hello there. This is my boyfriend (also known as my bestest friend ever). His name is Allan. I don't think we need to go over his bio because..I don't know. It's not necessary? Lan don't get me wrong okay, you're important. Anyway, oh yeah this picture. This was taken in the middle of Kuching town (where I live). See the cats behind him? Yeah Kuching came from the word 'kucing' which means cat in Malay language. But I guess they just added the 'H' to make it sound different? Spelled uniquely? I don't know. I just know that Kuching is the city of cats okay? Okay cool. (I'm always getting off-track ugh). So..yeah. We were just walking around town, we watched a movie too. I think it was Elysium? We don't go to the cinema that often. I mean, I'm pretty sure we've only been to the cinema three or four times together? We're just not cinema people, sorry. And this time we weren't dating yet. I think I remember texting him and saying that I was getting bored strolling around town alone and yeah. He came out to join me. I'm so sneaky I know hihi.

Aww look at him. Doesn't he look good in 'baju melayu'? This was during his sister's wedding - thus the dapper look (eyy *winks*). We were still friends here too. See my hand there on his shoulder? I was nervous but I did it anyway (uuu..). Oh oh, I still remember that time he posted this picture on Facebook. Wait, or was it me who posted it. Can't remember. Anyway, his former school teacher commented something like "Are you married now?". It was so funny but sweet at the same time.

We were so young and free..not! Haha. It took guts for me to ask him to take a picture with me okay? Damn I was nervous. Okay okay, by this point you guys will probably think that I was so into him. I was into him but it was not a one sided thing alright? I wasn't alone. But we kept it subtle, that's why it just gradually happened.

Oh look skype! Skype saved us. We just started dating and we were in a long distance relationship already. I have to say, this was one of the darkest days in my life. Not because of him but because I wasn't happy with where I was. I was in uni at Shah Alam, continuing with my degree was just bad. I wasn't happy. Unhealthy. Stressed out. Everything. But thank God, Allan was there to accompany me. Even it was just a text from him, it was good enough. (Not as good as his face though, oooooo! Too much Regular Show, sorry). I would talk to my mom too but you know. Our parents can get pretty busy and after work they're tired already etc. I'm not saying my mom wasn't there for me, she was! It's just I tried not to bother her too much. So the only person was really just Allan. I had friends of course. But at one point, they kinda stopped talking to me because I decided to quit the programme/course I was taking? But I don't mean all my friends (people I know). I meant close friends. So in the end I only had my roommates to talk to and him.

It was such a dark dark point of my life. I was just..a mess. I didn't know what to do. When I decided to quit, I couldn't fly back to Kuching immediately because documents and stuff so I had to stay there for like a couple of weeks? All I did was, wake up in the morning, shower, have breakfast, then I'd play games or do my laundry or read or just doodling. Then I'd probably have lunch a bit later and continue whatever I was doing before. And then when night comes, I'd go have dinner and do whatever after, then shower and sleep. On some days I had to go to the staff office, you know. Documents and stuff for my case. And yeah, just talking to Allan in between. And it went on like this every single day. Do you know how depressing that is? It was very depressing. One of my depressing moments in my life.

I'm probably getting off topic here but the reason why I explained all of this is because my boyfriend has always been there for me. And before you say anything, he's not the cause of me losing friends. Because some people say that you tend to lose your friends because you now have a boyfriend or girlfriend so you just gradually ditch your friends? But nope, not me. My (close) friends were like sisters to me. They were my laughing gas. And I knew Allan for so long already - he was definitely not the cause of it. But yeah, he has been there for me literally through ups and downs. Whether we were apart or not, he's always there. And I'm so grateful to have somebody like him to talk to, to spend my time with.

We all have flaws, I know I do. And he also says he has flaws too which I'm not going to argue about because naturally, us as individuals, know that we lack in something. Be it something big or really small or just whatever ridiculous things we know of - we know it. But to me, in my eyes, he's not. He's special. Such an amazing person. Inside out (btw, I haven't watched this movie properly. Have you? I'm so outdated). Off track, off track! Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Inside out.

He's like, not like any other person I've ever met before. He's so different. I'm not saying it's bad. It's just really different - the things that I experienced with him. The way I started to think was slowly changing, then my point of view on life changed. But I think that's why it's so special this time is because we started off as friends. We didn't expect anything from each other. We weren't thinking like oh cool, another person I got to know, maybe he'll be my boyfriend someday. No, nothing like that. We just wanted to be friends and we did. I make it sound like I didn't start off as friends with my exes in my past relationships. Well I did but I was just in a different kind of phase? And they were definitely not Allan so the effects my exes had on me were completely different. Not saying they weren't good effects, but just different.

Allan is just on a completely different level. I mean the way he thinks, what he says, how he feels, what he's different. Some people actually think that he's boring to talk to. But I'd say it's more like, what he talks about doesn't interest most people? I guess this is one of the reasons why he and I don't socialize around. It's just the older I get, the more I don't understand (some) people around me. And you're thinking if you're getting older, you're wiser and you're supposed to be able to understand better, right? But I don't. It's mostly because my way of thinking has changed so maybe I have myself to blame? Maybe I'm confused and didn't try to fit in? Well to be honest with you guys, I am done with fitting in. Done with putting a face I didn't want to. Done trying when it's unnecessary. There are all sorts of people and let me tell you. Just because you think differently or you don't follow the trend, styling or whatever, you're slowly being ditched or left out? Right? Do they still do that? Because it surely did to me. Not in that sense but similar. Off track..

Of course Allan and I had our days. Happens in every relationship. But that's why I always try to keep reminding myself that we are always learning about each other. Yes, I know a lot about him. From his biggest fear to his dream home. But man, I'm telling you..I'm still learning about him. I don't want to go overboard but he is the light of my life. He really is. He has spent so much time and effort on me, on our relationship. Sometimes he might not seem like it though but really he has it in the back of his mind. And when you think he stopped, he surprises you. Like something you'd never expect, like it's possible but you'd never expect him to do it you know. And that explains why he looked like he was stopping but really, he was just working on silence. (He's a ninja).

My favourite thing about him is..wait there's a lot. Let me pick one. He is genuine. He doesn't try to be someone else (cliché much, Ayu?). Seriously though, he doesn't. He doesn't follow the trend. Like he knows them but he doesn't keep up with it nor spend time on it. Great example, his clothes. I can tell you that he wears t-shirt and shorts ninety percent of the time. He's simple like that. And I like it. Oh I forgot, he pairs them with slippers. You know those Fipper slippers? Yeah those, mhm. All the time.

Way back (in my previous relationships), I used to care about how I look and stuff - like when I go on dates, I would take so much time to plan and think what to wear etc. Now, I still do that. But me and Allan hardly ever go on dates. And when I say dates I mean formal wear date to a nice dinner place or something. When we go out, we like to go eat (it's a must) and talk for hours and hours. Sometimes we walk along the riverside, get our favourite drinks from our favourite stall and just talk for hours and hours. What do we talk about? Everything. So only when there's a special occasion like everyone we know is in town and everyone just wants to meet and catch up - that's when I put a little extra effort into my clothes and all. But it's different now because I used to worry about my imperfections (you girls know what I'm talking about) and now, not that I don't care about them, more like I've accepted the way I am, the way I look and I'm comfortable with it. It doesn't bother me at all. When I'm out, I'm always happy. I feel good and it's nice. Man let me tell you. It feels so nice to feel content and just take in everything without worrying how your makeup is still intact or if there's any stain on your teeth or clothes after you had a meal. Don't get me wrong. Don't start being disgusting and not care at all - I'm just saying those things don't matter as much anymore. It's okay, you know?

In order to explain my unconditional love for this person, I kinda had to explain all of that to you in hopes you'll understand why I feel so much. I may not post a lot of pictures of us together on Instagram or update my status on Facebook or tweet what we're doing, where we're going - but I can tell you that last two years have been the best years of my life, despite everything we've been through. Allan and I like to keep our relationship private, although we do share some stuff with other people. His family, his close relatives, my family and close relatives too. But we always keep the little details to ourselves because it's not about your relationship with other people. It's about your relationship with your partner. I feel like there are boundaries on what you can say and need not to say to other people. But I do understand that some people like to be very open about their relationship. They don't really care what others think and that's not a bad thing. Others do it because it's nice to let people know that a love like that can exist. That it's possible and it can be inspiring. My reason to share with all of you here is something like that. That it's possible because sometimes people lose faith after an unforgettable experience - it could be anything. And that it can be inspiring - help one grow as a person and have a different outlook on life. Another reason is, I just wanted to write a nice anniversary note (wow for my boyfriend. I can't thank him enough for all the things he had done for me, even though I know I say thank you when I should. But yeah, I can't thank him enough.

It's been two years, two wonderful years with this man. I never expected to have someone like him as my partner in life. He came into the picture and it was more than I could ever ask for. So blessed. We don't celebrate a lot of stuff together, the only thing we did on our second anniversary was talking on the phone, wishing each other a happy anniversary and talk about a bunch of random stuff - and I wouldn't want it any other way. We're in a long distance relationship and it can be tough at times. But we're still here and InsyaAllah I'll get to meet him very soon. He's coming back from Perth and I'm so excited to see him. And guys, I still get butterflies every time he flies back to Kuching, every time.


To the light of my life, Happy 2nd Anniversary. You are everything and more. Sushi and Aunty's soon, okay? I love you, so very much. Kisses..

Love, Ayu

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