Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Do I Miss You?

Sometimes I look back and think..could I have done it differently? Probably yes but I wouldn't be where I am today.

Staying at home and working from home can be pretty..what's the word..suffocating? No. Enclosed? I think enclosed sounds better (even though I know I'm not using the word in the right context). But you get what I mean. So when I have the chance to go out to have lunch or just hang with the family, I tag along. And I would remember how I used to go out with my friends and do the same things..eat, hang etc.

Maybe I should've not acted like a good-girl. Maybe I should've forced my parents to pay for a driver's license. Maybe I should've spent more money with the girls when we hung out. Maybe I shouldn't have quit my degree programme. Maybe..

No. I didn't act like a good-girl, I just didn't see the reason why I should be mean or unhelpful. I didn't force my parents to pay for a driver's license because we only had one car and we couldn't really afford it since the license was (and still is) quite expensive. I didn't spend like a shopaholic because I knew I had to save for more important stuff. I had to quit because it was affecting my health in a bad way and God knows what could've happened if I just went with it til the end.

And the 'Maybes' are probably the reasons why my bestfriends kind of just left. Do I miss them? Yeah, sometimes I do. I think it's inevitable. Because you've created these relationships with these group of people who you eventually cared of and looked up to. Proud to call them your bestfriends. You've gained trust and you bonded so well, you're basically like sisters. Then I think about it for a little while and I actually don't miss them. I appreciate the memories I had with them but I think that phase of my life has long gone. It affected me so much that I got really depressed for months. And I thought depression was just something people made up where they just feel really really sad and just let themselves immerse into the sadness. But when I got really really sad and upset just about everything and especially myself, I knew it wasn't something small. I felt like that every single day, constantly feeling sad, my heart actually felt heavy and I also lost my appetite. That's when I knew I was depressed. Feeling alone and dropping out of university, it really hit me. That's how much it had affected me. It wasn't enough that I told my bestfriends that I wanted to quit the programme, they stopped talking to me too.

No, I don't miss them. Because everything that has happened has shaped the person I am today. Well I mean, I still don't have friends and I'm still not back into uni yet. But I can help my mom with her home business now and I bake cakes too. Whenever she needs help with purchasing and posting stuff, we would go out and do it together. Whenever my boyfriend's around, I get to spend time with him too. And of course, I get to spend time with my family. I also like the fact that I can workout anytime I want. Because my time is so flexible, I can manage my everyday schedule at my own pace. I also learned a lot about people. I've gained so much experience over the years which I probably wouldn't be able to gain in uni or just hanging with people (my bestfriends) in a certain environment.

I don't hate them but I just wish they could've been nicer. Sounds like I'm expecting a lot right? But no. I'm not. I told them nicely that I wanted to quit the programme and hoping they would understand because they were taking the same programme too. I told them about how I feel and my health. I even thought it through about how to tell my parents and how I really didn't want to disappoint them. I also didn't want to give a bad example to my younger siblings. I've thought it all through. But the day after, they completely ignored me. There was one day where I accidentally bumped into them, they saw me, looked away and tried to walk away as fast as possible. I felt really sad. I was even thinking to myself, did I do the wrong thing? Did I actually say something to be upsetting?

But anyways, if I get the chance to be bestfriends again with my uni or high school girls, I'd say no thank you. We've had our time together but I don't think I want to relive those memories. I'd rather make new ones. Meet new people and gain new experience. I'm not going to feel sad again. It hurts.



Ayu

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Unplanned Blue Day!

Yiyyy, I got so much stuff done today. And when I say so much stuff, I meant vacuuming. YES. Been needing to vacuum the house for quite some time now and I finally got around to it. Feels so good! Doesn't end there of course but at least I got that part out of the way.


Mom and I yesterday when we were running errands :)


Yesterday was no different than any other days, but I thought we'd take a picture just because. Running errands is normal now. We do it at least once to twice a week. We get so many things done like going to the post office to deliver necklaces, stopping at the baking shop for my baking supplies, going to the tailor for our clothes design, getting groceries etc. My mom and I would always feel exhausted after all the stops we had to make but it's all work. All the things that have to be done. And it's satisfying too hehe.



Ayu

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Fuck It, Data Science, Tying The Knots & Self Preservation

Wow.. I'm so bad..(not really). It's been three months since I last posted something. Believe me, I already had in mind that I wanted to post something in January but my boyfriend was around and I was trying to adapt with some new things going around the house and I also took an online course which, I just finished and I'm super excited! But yeah, so much stuff was going on..I just couldn't. So now I'm thinking, fuck it. Really tired of having to apologize for not posting monthly (not that I'm obliged to but when I've set my mind on something, I stick to it you know). I'm just going to post whenever I can without feeling any stress. Yeah man, it was a bit of a stress for me knowing that I haven't been blogging. I'm that kind of person!

Updates, yes. Well half an hour ago I just finished my online course. It was Data Science Orientation. So fun, it cracked my head but so fun. I love playing with numbers and solving problems. At first I was kind of scared and anxious because it was my first time taking an online course. So scared that it might be a scam or something you know. But I checked everything and it was all good. Here's the link if you want to check it out. You'll learn about analyzing, visualizing and understanding data. You will need Microsoft Excel for this course. You could take the course just for extra knowledge but the methods and skills you'll learn are going to be very useful especially for businesses. For example, if you want to predict future sales and revenue or if you're curious what is the main cause of your business' success statistically. I run a small business from home so this was just a bonus. I can actually make a workbook of my own on my business and predict my business' future. Whether I need to change something in particular like adding more chocolate chips on my cheesecake. Wow I'm talking about this course like as if I'm promoting it. I swear this is not sponsored! Haha. I just really enjoyed the course and thought I'd share it with you guys.

It's March and keeping myself occupied makes me wonder where did all the time go, which is good! But because I'm keeping myself occupied, I want to do even more. Crazy I know. I always want to do more, think of new ideas etc. My main goal is really to just gain more experience, make more income and have fun! Have you ever felt like you have so many ideas going through your mind that you want to start doing at the same time and then you just feel so overwhelmed? Yeah, that's what I'm feeling now. I really have to note everything down and spread it out so that I'll have a better look at what I'm visualizing and how I am going to accomplish it.

Weddings. So many weddings. I'm pretty sure there will be four weddings I'll be attending this coming June and July. And these are not just the distant relative weddings or ex-schoolmate weddings. One is my mom's sister's wedding, one is my dad's sister's wedding, another one is my first cousin's wedding and the last one is my dad's first cousin's wedding. Why..must they all be around the same time. Pretty sure they're not going to be on the same exact date but helping with the preparations is going to be madness. I'm not complaining, I mean they do have their own reasons why they chose a particular month for their wedding but it's just a big coincidence you know. I'm happy they're getting married but at the same time a little bit anxious. Just a bit.

I'm so grateful. I always am but with so many things going on lately I make an effort every time I have the chance, I pause and appreciate and realize for all the things that I have and don't have. I always believe that if something doesn't go as planned, it's a blessing in disguise. It always is. The blessing in disguise might not happen instantly but it will happen eventually.

Speaking of grateful, this issue always goes on and off but it's always there. My skin. I'm grateful with my skin but sometimes I do wish I had better skin. This is just an on-going thing for me so there's no need to fret about it. If you've read my previous posts, I did talk about how at one point it actually got to me and I got depressed. It wasn't just one thing so yeah. I've said this before but man it sucks to have a good memory. For most parts it's great but not when someone says you're not physically attractive. That does hurt, quite a lot. It just messes up with your confidence level and it doesn't help when you don't have much to begin with. My face, it's not something I want to change and I will never change it. This is what I'm given by Him and I appreciate it. It's just when someone tells you something like that, you can't help but repeating it in your head, trying to understand and sink it in. Before you know it, you start feeling upset and maybe disappointed in yourself too. And then, you start to believe what they're saying is true. I just don't understand how people can say such things so lightly. But anyway, back to my point. I still think about it from time to time. Sometimes it just pops up in my head for no reason at all you know. I really, really try to not let it get to me. I just try to do other things that distract me or do something that would make me feel so much better about myself.

Life is so weird.



Ayu